I remember the first time I ever walked into the neighourhood public library as a kid. It was a pretty unforgettable moment. I stepped in, took a look around and promptly had a panic attack.
I’ve always been a big reader. Books, as well as games, was a small town girl’s escape into something bigger and more exciting than the life I was forced to live. Where I could experience everything that there was, be anything that I wanted to be, and do everything. School was a bore since they hadn’t yet figured out that I should be challenged, not held back. Everyone around me seemed to only expect the minimum life experience that had to do with marriage and babies and never included even leaving town. Books seemed to be the only one that understood my desire to go into space, or be a pirate, or something… bigger. Well.. and my imaginary friend who happened to be an alien.
That moment was as clear now as it was that day. I took one look around what I know now is actually a rather pitiful Midwestern small town library, and knew that I was never going to be able to read all the books I want. Panic attack hit. Then I passed out. I shit you not.
As I grew up, I reconciled it with the basic fact that some books are terrible. And others are even worse. I don’t need to know everything, right? Just get through what I can and hope for reincarnation. Ever since it’s really just been a quirky story of just how nerdy I was as a kid.
Sometimes when I stumble onto something about game dev, I get that feeling again. Like the syllabus for a class. An article or blog post that’s just a bit too far out of my league as of right now. And I freak out about being too old to start learning all this nonsense. Then my brain explodes. Or maybe not because I’m still sitting here.
Then I’m in class, reading, or working on the project and it all just makes perfect sense. I guess it’s a bit like coding itself. If you try to tackle an entire large project all in one go, it’s going to look like a big jumbled mess. But if you take it 1 chunk at a time and make that part work right, it all sort of fits together in the end.